I’m driving home on a thursday aftrrnoon and Ed Sheeran’s new song, castle on the hill comes blasting thru spotify. Suddenly I find myself tearing up and crying and sobbing.
It wasnt so much me reminiscing about the days of youthful bliss, although almost all of the instances he sang about happened with me and my friends. It was more, the line,
“and i miss the way you make me feel/its real.”
That’s when You came to mind. For every time i came climbing in thru your bedroom window smelling of cheap liquor or cigarettes, it was always how you made me feel afterwards, that mattered. It was always about how home felt whenever I came home. It didnt matter if it was in a drunken mess, or flush with some kind of small victory or my head bowed over a failing grade or whatever, you always made everything feel better. Your hugs, your smiles were like balms to a broken and wounded spirit. They mended me. Made me whole again to get up for the next round.
And I dont know, maybe because i got the news as i was getting ready for work, maybe it was because i didnt want my son to see me break down, maybe because i was sad my flight back home was a week late.
I visited you and dad by myself at first. I cried there, but not as much as i wanted to. Maybe because i wanted to not breakdown in fron of Mom. All throughout the novena nights, all throughout our stay, even as we got back here i didnt let it all out. I never felt the same since half a year ago. I tried to busy myself with taking care of your great grandson, tried to keep myself occupied with basketball and coaching and trying to be a better person to make you proud.
Up until a half hour ago. I finally mourned you.
I broke down. I cried out your name over and over. I let it all out. Im sorry we couldnt make it back in time. Im sorry i wasnt able to hold your hand, see you smile one more time. Hug you, kiss you. Tell you we’ll be fine,And thank you for everything you’ve done for me. Im sorry i wasnt able to be there to help carry you to your resting place beside dad. Terribly sorry, yrt i know you understood. Yet i know you knew i tried everything i could.
I will always mourn you. I will always remember you, my son and any other kids coming in the future will grow up with stories of you. And i’m crying again, but i know i’ll be okay, it will be okay. I know you know i miss you. And i love you ma.